Tharon’s Thoughts: The Hidden Truth Behind “Good Behaviour”

September 10, 2025




By Tharon

Neurodivergent Consultant at helpz



The Safety Paradox


Let’s talk about something that might sound a bit backwards at first: I call it the safety paradox. You’d think that when someone feels safe, they’d be calm, cooperative, and on their best behaviour, right? But for many neurodivergent folks, especially autistic people, feeling safe can actually be the moment everything falls apart.


Why? Because safety gives us permission to drop the mask and stop fighting the build up of stress and anxiety.


What is Restraint Collapse?


I call it a “crash”, but the clinical term is restraint collapse. It’s what happens when someone has spent the day masking, holding it together, and pushing through overwhelming environments. Then they get home, or to a safe space, and boom. The mask drops. The emotions flood in. The body says, “Nope, I’m done.”


This isn’t just a neurodivergent experience, but it is especially common in autistic people, ADHDers, those with sensory processing difficulties, as well as those who have experienced trauma. It’s the body and brain’s way of decompressing and releasing the built up stress and anxiety after a day of sensory overload, social pressure, and emotional suppression.


What Does It Feel Like?


Personally, restraint collapse feels like a release from the pressure that built up in my body all day. The only way I can explain how that pressure feels in a way that you may understand would be like the pressure a diver may feel when swimming deep in the ocean. I might be balancing multiple things that just feel too much - clothes might be itchy, the lights too bright, the noise too loud. I’m polite, I’m engaged, I’m “fine”- until I’m not.


When we finally get to a safe space, you might see an autistic person:


  • Withdraw completely
  • Cry or scream
  • Engage in intense stimming (due to not being able to stim all day)
  • Lose the ability to speak
  • Lose the ability to be “polite” (responses might become blunt, short, or considered rude)
  • Sleep, lay down, or be unable to move
  • Need to be alone, or need comfort—sometimes both


It’s not a tantrum. It’s not bad behaviour. It’s release. A common phrase in the autistic community is: “We are not giving you a hard time, we are having a hard time”.


I understand everyone’s situations are different, and people are not always given the luxury to look after themselves, take time to themselves, and have a safe space to collapse. But it is important to find a way that works for you, because you are important. Self care is important. One way or another, the stress will come out. It is better to have it happen in a controlled and safe way, than it come out on its own through an overload or a meltdown.


Why Do Kids “Save” Their Worst Behaviour for Parents?


Have you ever wondered if your child used up all their good behaviour at school? Ever noticed that your child is an angel at school but a storm at home? This is restraint collapse in action. Home is safe. You are their safe person. So they stop fighting it and let it out.

This is actually a sign of trust. They’re not trying to be difficult, they’re trying to recover and process their day.


How Can We Support Someone Through a Crash?


Whether it’s a child or an adult, the principles are the same:

For Children:



  • Give space when they get home, don’t jump straight into homework or chores.
  • Let them lead their recovery: play, rest, stim, or just be.
  • Reduce sensory input: dim lights, quiet spaces, soft textures, or whatever their sensory needs may be.
  • Offer unconditional love and acceptance—this is when they need it most.


For Adults:


  • Respect their need to decompress after work or social situations.
  • Avoid bombarding them with questions or tasks.
  • Create a low-stimulus environment: soft lighting, minimal noise, comfy clothes.
  • Let them choose how they recover, some might need solitude, others might want a hug.

Don’t Forget the Carers


This isn’t just an autistic issue, neurotypical people often neglect their own needs, especially parents, carers and support workers. You too can experience restraint collapse. You matter too. Your own sensory and emotional needs matter as much as theirs. Take care of yourself, give yourself time and space as needed, so you can be present and calm. If you’re overstimulated and frustrated, this can affect the person you support and escalate the situation unnecessarily. Looking after yourself is as important as looking after them.

Final Thoughts


The safety paradox reminds us that challenging behaviour isn’t always a sign of danger, it can be a sign of safety. When someone trusts you enough to fall apart, that’s powerful. Honour that trust by creating environments where people can be their full, unmasked selves, and recover in peace.


For further information about these topics and more, join our upcoming webinar or training modules.

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News & Insights

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October 28, 2025
In 2024, the Australian Government passed new legislation that will require social media platforms to take reasonable steps to prevent children under 16 from creating or maintaining accounts. The Online Safety Amendment (Social Media Minimum Age) Act will come into effect on 10 December 2025, and platforms that fail to comply could face penalties of up to $49.5 million. The government says the move aims to protect children from online harms such as cyberbullying, exposure to explicit content, and addictive algorithmic design. It’s a well-intentioned step towards safer online spaces, but for many young people with disability or neurodivergent traits, this ban could have serious unintended consequences. More than just an app: why social media matters for connection For children and teens with disability, social media can be more than entertainment; it’s often a lifeline. Online communities provide access to peer connection, advocacy spaces, and platforms for self-expression, particularly for those who experience social or physical barriers in offline settings. The ABC recently reported that disability advocates fear the ban will “cut off a lifeline” for young people who rely on digital platforms to connect with others who understand their lived experiences. For some, these are the only spaces where they feel seen, heard, and safe to be themselves. The Children and Young People with Disability Australia (CYDA) echoed these concerns, highlighting that young people with disability are already at higher risk of social isolation and that removing online connection could deepen that divide. The risk of isolation and exclusion Offline participation can be challenging for many young people with disability or neurodivergence due to accessibility barriers, sensory sensitivities, or anxiety. For these individuals, online environments can offer a controlled, customisable way to engage socially and emotionally. Removing that outlet may not only heighten feelings of isolation but could also lead to reduced self-esteem and mental health impacts. The UNSW Digital Child Research Centre warned that cutting off digital connection without offering safe, inclusive alternatives could “worsen mental health outcomes” for those who already face barriers to belonging. Expression, identity and advocacy For neurodivergent youth, social media can also serve as an important space for identity exploration and self-advocacy. Online platforms allow them to share experiences, raise awareness, and connect with mentors or role models. In an article by WhyNot Australia , a neurodivergent teen expressed concern that the ban could silence young voices who use digital spaces to express their authentic selves. “I’ve found people online who understand my brain when people at school don’t,” they said. “If that’s taken away, I lose part of who I am.” By applying a blanket restriction, the policy risks excluding those whose participation in online communities is not simply recreational, but developmental and therapeutic. Safety versus inclusion It’s important to acknowledge the government’s intent. The risks of unregulated online spaces are real—exposure to predators, misinformation, and harmful content has long been documented. But safety and inclusion shouldn’t be mutually exclusive. Advocates such as Advocacy for Inclusion argue that a one-size-fits-all approach may not be equitable. Instead, they suggest a model that includes exceptions or moderated access for vulnerable youth, alongside stronger digital literacy programs and family-guided online use. A path forward As policymakers finalise the rollout of the ban, consultation with disability and neurodivergent communities will be critical. The goal of online safety must extend beyond protection from harm, it must include equitable access to connection, communication, and self-expression. Some ideas proposed by advocates include: Safe-mode social platforms: verified, moderated access for under-16s with additional accessibility and privacy features Inclusion-based exemptions: allowing case-by-case access where social platforms serve therapeutic or developmental purposes Education over exclusion: teaching young people, families, and educators how to use social media safely, instead of removing it entirely Why this matters Digital connection is not a luxury; for many young people with disability, it’s a bridge to inclusion. By removing this access without inclusive alternatives, we risk deepening isolation and undoing years of progress towards digital accessibility and participation. As CYDA put it, “young people with disability are experts in their own lives.” They deserve a say in how safety is defined and achieved. At helpz, we believe in promoting inclusion across every environment, online and offline. As this policy develops, it’s important that we keep the voices and safety of young people with disability and neurodivergence at the centre of the conversation. References Prime Minister’s Office – Social Media Reforms to Protect Our Kids Online ABC News – Disability Community Fears Isolation Under Social Media Ban Children and Young People with Disability Australia (CYDA) UNSW Digital Child Research Centre WhyNot Australia – Social Media Ban: Neurodivergent Young People Weigh In Advocacy for Inclusion – Social Media Ban Risks Isolation for Disabled Youth
October 9, 2025
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